What I have learned about me...a reflection

Hello again friends! So I've actually wanted to be post this for awhile, I feel like the last year has been kinda crazy and I need to get some of it out. I've had some great and horrible experiences, but I've learned from all of them. So this is kind of summing up what I've learned about myself in my transition from high school to college and from living at home to living mostly on my own.

1. Over the past year, I've transformed from being a total introvert to an extrovert.

This first one didn't happen all at once, but gradually. In high school I feel like I got most of my pleasure from isolating myself from the world and focusing on me and my few friends that I have. I didn't go out of my way to make friends, and I definitely didn't even think I had more than about 4 friends. I was very obsessed with the cliques that I felt like were still present in high school and how I appeared to others. I felt like I could only be my true self around very few people. I felt the need to please everyone around me, and focused so much on doing things to please everyone else that I never stopped to take the time and try to decide how I could be happy. Anyway, I stayed this way throughout high school. Especially after being in the hospital, I didn't think I could let anyone see how depressed or how much of a mess I was. I felt like I had no excuse to be so messed up with anxiety and depression, I didn't have a bad life. So I definitely put on a face when I got back telling everyone I was fine now. That wasn't totally true. I still felt like I was drowning. I had a spiritual high at camp, counseling and sharing my testimony and having so many great experiences. Once I got back though, I started realizing how close college was again, and how much I still anxious and overtaken by my anxiety and depression. I was excited for college, but the closer it came, the scarier it became. I started to panic even more and I was once again a mess. My first few months of college went by in a daze, I was still panicking about every little thing and putting a lot of pressure on myself. Eventually I got in touch with help professionally, as well as spiritual support. I finally found a group that definitely helped me open up and feel like I was allowed to be myself. Cru encouraged me to be myself and show the world my love of Christ. As I continued to learn my identity in Christ, and not only that but ACCEPT that identity, I realized I was much more comfortable around people. I also became very social. Even from the first semester to now, I've realized that I don't avoid eye contact with people as much, I'm very willing to speak to others, even if I don't know them, and I even have made some friends who aren't just like me. I feel like that was something I also I avoided in high school. I was acquaintances with several people, but I wasn't friends with people who were different than me. Everything felt so separate. And maybe it was partly in my head, and I assumed that not everyone could accept me, but it still felt very real. In college since I've been here, I have come across people with different beliefs or values, but we all treat each other with respect and get along even still. I've realized that people don't care as much if you are different in college, that or they just don't shame you for being different, at least in my experience. So naturally, after learning to open up to others around me and initiate conversation, I have become more of an extrovert. I feel like I'm going to go crazy when my roommate is gone for long periods of time, and I get most of my energy when I'm with my friends and other people. I don't totally know why I feel the need to talk more now, but  I think it might have to do with the fact that I kept to myself for so long. Maybe it's that I'm just more comfortable with who I am, I don't know but even my parents have noticed how much more I talk.

2. I am nowhere near perfect in school, and I don't need to be.

So this one is a little more confusing. Obviously I want to be successful in school, I want to pursue a degree in something I like so that I can get a career in that field. But I've realized that I don't have to be perfect in all of my classes to get where I want to go. I will try my hardest, but if the field I am pursuing doesn't seem like the best fit, I can find other classes that will be better suited for me and my strengths. College is harder than high school by a long shot. People can tell you that all they want, but it didn't hit me until I got some of my first C's in some of my classes. It's definitely a wake up call. Study habits had to change, and I needed to figure out if this was something I still want to do. As I have taken my class, even through the hard tests and subjects, I've realized I am still passionate about biomedical engineering. That definitely pushes me to be better. However, although I am in a competitive major and college, I also have put other priorities ahead of school. In high school my priority was almost always grades. I didn't like it, but I felt like it was necessary. I felt like I had to be this perfect student to impress my parents and get into a good college. But here, I have realized that I don't want that to be my priority. It's so draining. School and education cannot be my only priority. God is my priority over anything, as well as my well-being. I overworked myself to the point of shutting down senior year. I couldn't handle all the pressure I put on myself to be a perfect person. No one is perfect, I don't need to be. In my opinion, having school as a priority over God and trying to control my own life and determine what I can do with it is not what I should be doing as a fellow believer. I've learned that I need to trust God. He knows what He is doing with me, and he will use me in whatever way HE wants to, not just the ways I may want to. All of this reminds me of a verse: "Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.....No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." These verses come from Matthew 6. This just kind of makes me think, school is really a path for me to go make money, I don't want to prioritize money. In our society, you do need money to survive, but I do not want that to be my one true goal for my life. Don't get me wrong, I still think my education is very important. There are also so many verses about how important wisdom is. However I am learning to put God first, and try to follow His plan for me. I'm realizing that in the end, my relationship with God will be much more important than my bachelors degree. God is the only eternal thing in my life, so why shouldn't I focus on Him first? There's also a saying, that if you make time for God, He will make sure you have the time you need for everything else. So that is something I'm depending on, God has a plan for me, and no matter what ends up happening with what I end up studying or pursuing career wise, God has it covered.

3. People will leave, people will not appreciate me, but it doesn't make me a bad person. It's okay to be me.

This kinda ties back to what I said with being an extrovert. I'm definitely learning more about myself, and especially now that I'm willing to show that to others, there have definitely been people who don't appreciate that. This used to bring me down so much. I just wanted everyone to like me. Now, I don't really care what others think. It really only matters that I see myself as a respectable person, and more than that, that God sees me that way. I want to please God in everything I do, that's all I should strive for, not what others want me to be.

4. My experiences allow me to share what I have learned to help others.

One of my strengths is Empathy. I've definitely noticed that. My mood is very much affected by those around me. So when I hear about someone struggling, my first response is to do whatever I can to help that person. I know that I'm in no position to tell others how to live their lives, and I don't want to do that, but using my story and my experiences to give others ideas of how they can improve their situation has been very rewarding. I have gotten to the point with most of my bad experiences that I am comfortable sharing them with others. I have shared my struggles with several people now, and knowing that I could help those people that may have similar struggles is rewarding. And I feel like that is exactly what God would want me to do. Going through those things, I felt so alone, and wondered why God would let me experience such things, but I realized afterwards that those experiences can be used in positive ways. I have found ways to cope with my anxiety and depression, and now I can share those with those who may share those difficulties. I also have realized that although my testimony at one point was only a few experiences, it is growing. And as my story continues to be written by God, I will have even more to share with the world and be able to make a positive impact on other people's lives.

5. Finally, one of the most important things I have learned in the past year or so, is that it's OKAY to ask for help.

This is one of the most frustrating things I have ever come across. So many people in society treat help for things like a weakness. I had a teacher once who made me feel stupid when I asked for help. I've heard from several others that on a bigger and heavier topic, that mental health isn't a real concern and that people just need to get over themselves. I even had people who told me I just had these thoughts and talked about my struggles for attention. That is so not true, in so many different ways. There is probably a lot of research about mental health, but luckily it is becoming a more common topic and something that people are able to get help with more than in the past. However I still think there is a lot of shame that comes with admitting you need help thinking positive thoughts or accepting yourself. It's frustrating, but getting help has been one of the greatest things I have ever done. It may have taken awhile for me to get to the point of admitting to needing serious help, but I finally did and I am feeling better. Basically, asking for help is something I think needs to be seen more positively in our society, but now I'm kind of ranting.

I think this is a sufficient length for a blog, and now I am going to get some rest. I hope that you are all having a wonderful week. Enjoy the nice weather :)

Extremeeeeeee Hot seat: Get to know me time

So I recently went to a conference called Woman Maker, and this is one of the things we did the first night to get to know our family group. I answered all of the 100 questions. Now whoever may be curious, my friends or family, can get to know a little more about me! :) Enjoy!


1. Who is your hero? So many....Cindi Foster, Jenni Tanner, Cullen Tanner, Ashley Foster, my little sister, My dad, My mom, Jamie Currell, Sarah Mallet, Megan Gullifer, Danica Thornburg, Katelynn Brintz, Emma Watson, Colleen Rudnicki, Michelle Holling, Emily Holling, Hayley Anderson, Brooke Powers, Lacy Tooker-Kirkevold, Katie Kallenbach
2. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? MINNESOTA with mountains. Otherwise Colorado:)
3. What is your biggest fear? Being alone, and letting down the people I love
4. What is your favorite family vacation. DISNEY and skiing
5. What would you change about yourself if you could? my self confidence
6. What really makes you angry? Arrogance and disrespect
7. What motivates you to work hard? Knowing I could make a difference and my dreams
8. What is your favorite thing about your career? I don't have one yet but it will be something that involves helping others which brings me great joy.
9. What is your biggest complaint about your job? My current job doesn't have regular hours.
10. What is your proudest accomplishment? Getting accepted into CSE at the University of MN
11. What is your child's proudest accomplishment? ....N/A
12. What is your favorite book to read? TOO MANY hunger games, maze runner, delirium, chicken soup for the soul, city of bones, maximum ride, the BIBLE (yes thats the book for me:)), water for elephants
13. What makes you laugh the most? my family and friends :)
14. What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? I think it was night at the museum 3....I LOVED IT
15. What did you want to be when you were small? XD I'm still tiny. I think for awhile I wanted to be a writer and at one point a marine biologist
16. What does your child want to be when he/she grows up. I hope successful. This obviously does not apply to me yet.
17. If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? :) I would sing!!! Sing and Dance!!!
18. What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play. Can I choose Quelf? Also tennis:)
19. Would you rather ride a bike, a horse, or drive a car? horse if not too long otherwise BIKE
20. What would you sing at karaoke night? Drops of Jupiter-Train
21. What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? KTIS and Cities97
22. Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? Vacuum and dance around
23. If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work? Yard work.
24. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life what would it be? Macaroni and CHEESE
25. Who is your favorite Author? GOD! and also Cassandra Clare
26. Have you ever had a nickname? What is it? Peanut, ChloPumpkin, Chloster, ChloFlo, Chlo.
27. Do you like or dislike surprises? Why? Depends on the surprise, usually I do enjoy them.
28. In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read? read or movie depends on my mood
29. Would you rather live in Hawaii or Alaska and why? Alaska cuz SNOW
30. Would you rather win the lottery or land the perfect job? And why? Job because it will last.
31. Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island? Phil or John cuz they are smart:) and fun
32. If money was no object, what would you do all day? Travel for missions
33. If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? The time with Jesus duh
34. How would your friends describe you? Silly, weird, crazy, fun, energetic
35. What are your hobbies? Dance, singing, Tennis, Skiing, Boating :) , crocheting, reading, writing, coloring, overthinking
36. What is the best gift you have been given? God's love and forgiveness.
37. What is the worst gift you have received? Shame
38. Aside from food, water, and shelter, what one thing could you not go a day without? Sadly my phone. Or music.
39. List two pet peeves. Cracking knuckles and using improper grammar
40. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In grad school or working for a medical device company
41. How many pairs of shoes do you own? too many
42. If you were a super-hero what powers would you have? Shield like Violet and flying
43. What would you do if you won the lottery? Find a charity that needs it.
44. What form of public transportation do you prefer? air
45. What's your favorite zoo animal? ELEPHANTS
46. If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? I don't know thats too hard.
47. If you could share a meal with 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be? Emma Watson, Emma Stone, Tina Fey, Ellen Degeneres.
48. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2
49. Whats the longest you've gone without sleep, and why? 12 hours cuz third grade was fun
50. Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? Looks for intelligence.
51. What's the tallest building you've been to the top in? I think IDS tower? not sure. 50th floor
52. How often do you buy clothes? yearly....or seasonally...
53. Have you ever had a secret admirer? no. I doubt it. Not that I'm aware of. Isn't that the point of the secret part though?
54. What's your favorite Holiday? Christmas or Easter
55. What's the most daring thing you've ever done? ziplining across a mountain canyon
56. What was the last thing you recorded on tv? nothing lol
57. What was the last book you read? Shoot...not totally sure. I think it was Crazy Love by Francis Chan.
58. What's your favorite type of foreign food? Escargot? I don't totally know what this question means
59. Are you a clean or messy person? Usually clean but it depends so both...?
60. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? Emma Watson
61. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? sometimes as little as 10 minutes
62. What kitchen appliance do you use every day? Keurig :) coffee is a must
63. What's your favorite fast food chain? Chik-fil-A
64. What's your favorite family recipe? Chicken with dried beef and bacon
65. Do you love or hate roller coasters? LOVE
66. What's your favorite family tradition? Green bean casserole for holidays
67. What is your favorite childhood memory? Ummmm...Disney world trips
68. What's your favorite movie? Frozen and Tangled hands down
69. How old were you when you found out Santa isn't real? How did you find out? I think I was 7 or 8; I found all of my baby teeth in my parents room and they told me the tooth fairy, Santa, and The easter bunny weren't real. Then I ruined it for my sister.
70. Is your glass half full or half empty? Depends on my mood.
71. What is the craziest thing you've done in the name of love? ummm...nothing as far as I know....I don't think I've done anything totally crazy.
72. What three items would you take with you on a deserted island? I hate this question. A radio, a pot, and a frying pan (both for cooking and defending myself in case I come across some ruffians)
73. What was your favorite subject in school? In elementary-middle school it was Science, in High school it was math. Especially Calculus. Cuz I love Calculus.
74. What's the most unusual thing you've eaten? Escargot I guess? Or kalamari...frog legs are I guess strange maybe?
75. Do you collect anything? yes ELEPHANTS
76. Is there anything you wish would come back into fashion? Gauchos!!
77. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? ummm...well I was a total introvert in high school and now I think I'm definitely an extrovert so I'm actually thoroughly confused by myself.
78. Which of your five senses would you say is your strongest? Well my sight and smell suck so Taste I'd say.
79. Have you ever had a surprise party? (That was an actual surprise?) YES! Last year my sister threw me a surprise birthday party when I turned 18 and I had no idea it was happening.
80. Are you related or distantly related to anyone famous? No I don't think so.
81. What do you do to keep fit? ....lol I've picked up yoga. I used to dance.
82. Does your family have a motto-spoken or unspoken? Nothing comes to mind right now honestly...
83. If you were ruler of your own country what is the first law you would introduce? No more wars, no more death penalty. There are better ways for justice in my eyes and ways to solve problems.
84. Who was your favorite teacher in school and why? Oh goodness. I have a few. My favorite english teacher was Mrs. Nordin in middle school because she made everything fun and genuinely cared about all of her students. My favorite math teacher ever was Mr. Henderson because I loved his humor and I learned a lot from him. My favorite Social Studies teacher was Ms. Askew. She was amazing at what she did and was full of knowledge in almost every area of life that she passed on. My favorite music teacher was Ms. Pavot because she taught me everything I needed to know for the basics of orchestra and dealt with us crazy middle schoolers in a music classroom. She set the foundation of me becoming a better musician.
85. What three things do you think of the most each day? God, Love, and music
86. If you had a warning label, what would it say? Warning: crazy lover of disney in your presence.
87. What song would you say best sums you up? Shake it off Taylor Swift
88. What celebrity would you like to meet for coffee? Emma Watson or Taylor Swift or Ellen Degeneres.
89. Who was your first crush? I honestly don't know that was like 1st grade.
90. What's the most interesting thing you can see outside of your office or kitchen window? at home my backyard and my neighbor's backyards. At school outside my dorm room is a sidewalk and some cars.
91. On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are? I don't honestly think I'm funny I'm just weird and make people laugh. So 7? I don't know. I guess if you asked someone else they would think I am maybe??
92. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? hopefully married with kids
93. What was your first job? Beauty Advisor at Walgreens
94. If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join? N'Sync or The spice girls
95. How many languages do you speak? Mostly one, I know some french and some italian.
96. What is your favorite family holiday tradition? I basically answered this...green bean casserole
97. Who is the most intelligent person you know? Ernie Johnson, Matt Henderson, Aaron Wynveen, Kenneth Leopold, Blair Davey, Bob Tranquillo.
98. If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be? I actually told my roommate this right before I went on this retreat and was asked this question, an elephant or a turtle.
99. What is one thing you will never do again? go to a mental hospital.
100. Who knows you the best? John Pahr, Philip Ganion, Hayley Anderson, Lacy Tooker-Kirkevold, Brooke Powers, Katie Kallenbach, Stephanie Blatz, Danica Thornburg, Lauren Otto, Taylor Nadeau, Alison Ford, Mariah Dooley, Autumn Beckman, Amy Stein, Katelynn Brintz, Megan Gullifer.

What a way to start the new year

The year 2014 has come to an end, 2015 has begun. It's crazy. A lot happened in 2014. A lot of bad, but a lot of good. The year has changed me. For the better I hope. But anyway, I'm thankful for a few things from the past year the most. Cru, my best friends, Drew, my family, my school, the inspirational adults in my life, my grandma, my sister, my dance studio, and my church. Everything has been crazy with my new diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, but I'm getting better. My psychiatrist is helping me through things along with my friends, and family. I'm so thankful for everything these people have done in my life. And here are some of the things I'm looking forward to this next year. Traveling to Italy, making new friends, growing closer to God, seeing Drew again, and hopefully coming to peace with my anxiety even more. I can't wait to see what else the year will bring, let's hope it's a good one