Hello again friends! So I've actually wanted to be post this for awhile, I feel like the last year has been kinda crazy and I need to get some of it out. I've had some great and horrible experiences, but I've learned from all of them. So this is kind of summing up what I've learned about myself in my transition from high school to college and from living at home to living mostly on my own.
1. Over the past year, I've transformed from being a total introvert to an extrovert.
This first one didn't happen all at once, but gradually. In high school I feel like I got most of my pleasure from isolating myself from the world and focusing on me and my few friends that I have. I didn't go out of my way to make friends, and I definitely didn't even think I had more than about 4 friends. I was very obsessed with the cliques that I felt like were still present in high school and how I appeared to others. I felt like I could only be my true self around very few people. I felt the need to please everyone around me, and focused so much on doing things to please everyone else that I never stopped to take the time and try to decide how I could be happy. Anyway, I stayed this way throughout high school. Especially after being in the hospital, I didn't think I could let anyone see how depressed or how much of a mess I was. I felt like I had no excuse to be so messed up with anxiety and depression, I didn't have a bad life. So I definitely put on a face when I got back telling everyone I was fine now. That wasn't totally true. I still felt like I was drowning. I had a spiritual high at camp, counseling and sharing my testimony and having so many great experiences. Once I got back though, I started realizing how close college was again, and how much I still anxious and overtaken by my anxiety and depression. I was excited for college, but the closer it came, the scarier it became. I started to panic even more and I was once again a mess. My first few months of college went by in a daze, I was still panicking about every little thing and putting a lot of pressure on myself. Eventually I got in touch with help professionally, as well as spiritual support. I finally found a group that definitely helped me open up and feel like I was allowed to be myself. Cru encouraged me to be myself and show the world my love of Christ. As I continued to learn my identity in Christ, and not only that but ACCEPT that identity, I realized I was much more comfortable around people. I also became very social. Even from the first semester to now, I've realized that I don't avoid eye contact with people as much, I'm very willing to speak to others, even if I don't know them, and I even have made some friends who aren't just like me. I feel like that was something I also I avoided in high school. I was acquaintances with several people, but I wasn't friends with people who were different than me. Everything felt so separate. And maybe it was partly in my head, and I assumed that not everyone could accept me, but it still felt very real. In college since I've been here, I have come across people with different beliefs or values, but we all treat each other with respect and get along even still. I've realized that people don't care as much if you are different in college, that or they just don't shame you for being different, at least in my experience. So naturally, after learning to open up to others around me and initiate conversation, I have become more of an extrovert. I feel like I'm going to go crazy when my roommate is gone for long periods of time, and I get most of my energy when I'm with my friends and other people. I don't totally know why I feel the need to talk more now, but I think it might have to do with the fact that I kept to myself for so long. Maybe it's that I'm just more comfortable with who I am, I don't know but even my parents have noticed how much more I talk.
2. I am nowhere near perfect in school, and I don't need to be.
So this one is a little more confusing. Obviously I want to be successful in school, I want to pursue a degree in something I like so that I can get a career in that field. But I've realized that I don't have to be perfect in all of my classes to get where I want to go. I will try my hardest, but if the field I am pursuing doesn't seem like the best fit, I can find other classes that will be better suited for me and my strengths. College is harder than high school by a long shot. People can tell you that all they want, but it didn't hit me until I got some of my first C's in some of my classes. It's definitely a wake up call. Study habits had to change, and I needed to figure out if this was something I still want to do. As I have taken my class, even through the hard tests and subjects, I've realized I am still passionate about biomedical engineering. That definitely pushes me to be better. However, although I am in a competitive major and college, I also have put other priorities ahead of school. In high school my priority was almost always grades. I didn't like it, but I felt like it was necessary. I felt like I had to be this perfect student to impress my parents and get into a good college. But here, I have realized that I don't want that to be my priority. It's so draining. School and education cannot be my only priority. God is my priority over anything, as well as my well-being. I overworked myself to the point of shutting down senior year. I couldn't handle all the pressure I put on myself to be a perfect person. No one is perfect, I don't need to be. In my opinion, having school as a priority over God and trying to control my own life and determine what I can do with it is not what I should be doing as a fellow believer. I've learned that I need to trust God. He knows what He is doing with me, and he will use me in whatever way HE wants to, not just the ways I may want to. All of this reminds me of a verse: "Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.....No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." These verses come from Matthew 6. This just kind of makes me think, school is really a path for me to go make money, I don't want to prioritize money. In our society, you do need money to survive, but I do not want that to be my one true goal for my life. Don't get me wrong, I still think my education is very important. There are also so many verses about how important wisdom is. However I am learning to put God first, and try to follow His plan for me. I'm realizing that in the end, my relationship with God will be much more important than my bachelors degree. God is the only eternal thing in my life, so why shouldn't I focus on Him first? There's also a saying, that if you make time for God, He will make sure you have the time you need for everything else. So that is something I'm depending on, God has a plan for me, and no matter what ends up happening with what I end up studying or pursuing career wise, God has it covered.
3. People will leave, people will not appreciate me, but it doesn't make me a bad person. It's okay to be me.
This kinda ties back to what I said with being an extrovert. I'm definitely learning more about myself, and especially now that I'm willing to show that to others, there have definitely been people who don't appreciate that. This used to bring me down so much. I just wanted everyone to like me. Now, I don't really care what others think. It really only matters that I see myself as a respectable person, and more than that, that God sees me that way. I want to please God in everything I do, that's all I should strive for, not what others want me to be.
4. My experiences allow me to share what I have learned to help others.
One of my strengths is Empathy. I've definitely noticed that. My mood is very much affected by those around me. So when I hear about someone struggling, my first response is to do whatever I can to help that person. I know that I'm in no position to tell others how to live their lives, and I don't want to do that, but using my story and my experiences to give others ideas of how they can improve their situation has been very rewarding. I have gotten to the point with most of my bad experiences that I am comfortable sharing them with others. I have shared my struggles with several people now, and knowing that I could help those people that may have similar struggles is rewarding. And I feel like that is exactly what God would want me to do. Going through those things, I felt so alone, and wondered why God would let me experience such things, but I realized afterwards that those experiences can be used in positive ways. I have found ways to cope with my anxiety and depression, and now I can share those with those who may share those difficulties. I also have realized that although my testimony at one point was only a few experiences, it is growing. And as my story continues to be written by God, I will have even more to share with the world and be able to make a positive impact on other people's lives.
5. Finally, one of the most important things I have learned in the past year or so, is that it's OKAY to ask for help.
This is one of the most frustrating things I have ever come across. So many people in society treat help for things like a weakness. I had a teacher once who made me feel stupid when I asked for help. I've heard from several others that on a bigger and heavier topic, that mental health isn't a real concern and that people just need to get over themselves. I even had people who told me I just had these thoughts and talked about my struggles for attention. That is so not true, in so many different ways. There is probably a lot of research about mental health, but luckily it is becoming a more common topic and something that people are able to get help with more than in the past. However I still think there is a lot of shame that comes with admitting you need help thinking positive thoughts or accepting yourself. It's frustrating, but getting help has been one of the greatest things I have ever done. It may have taken awhile for me to get to the point of admitting to needing serious help, but I finally did and I am feeling better. Basically, asking for help is something I think needs to be seen more positively in our society, but now I'm kind of ranting.
I think this is a sufficient length for a blog, and now I am going to get some rest. I hope that you are all having a wonderful week. Enjoy the nice weather :)
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